if you dont realize what the goal was yet, you will soon, and then youll feel slow.
im done living this way. fucking sick of it
kinda still wish i could do this year all over again, just for fun.
at this point in my life im just bored.
im unimpressed & unamused with my sourundings & the people in it. there are only a few interesting being in the vicinity & even then they have these cocky personas because they get internet attention. no one knows how to be a fucking person anymore. mfs dont have hobbies they actually like. its just something to make them look better to this mostly anonymous internet audience.
everyones got a hidden agenda wether i wanna believe it or not. as far as women go, same situation. truthfully the only women i can truly trust in my life are my mother & nana. and thats actually kinda wild to say because they even can be bipolar at times. nonetheless the cycle keeps repeating itself before my eyes. i’ve just decided that i dont want to be apart of it anymore.
in turn my own bias on my enviroment does not make me any better or worse. i understand that my bias henders me from the knowledge i want to recieve. knowing so helps me explore all the perspectives without out conflict due to my emotions. sadly i found myself way to far in the bullshit education system. im in debt, probably wont get a degree, dont really care if i do anymore. I’ve learned more outside of my professors than i have in the past 3 years to the point where i can procrastinate on any assignment, complete it in 30 mins to an hour & still recieve the same grade as someone pulling all nighters trying to edit their “perfect paper”. things like this frustrate me because it just reminds me how useless this process was to my growth of obtaining knowledge & experience. it just left me in a fucked up situation. destined for an inevitable defeat. and honestly i dont care anymore. all i’ve had the urge to do lately was amuse myself, please myself & no one else because the moment i consider it is when the cycle continues. sadly this new view has left me lonely, bored, and longing for another to save me from the things i hate to feel. doesn’t help that i just turned 21 either. i drank jack consistenly for weeks on end, trying to dampen the pain i possess. i would smoke until i didnt care anymore. take tabs just too be able to let out the tears that no longer surface when they need to. its a different kind of lingering pain. shit im still not on a great path, but recreating the cycle is the goal. that keeps me amused. being human hurts, so i have to atone with my pain for a greater pleasure.
maybe i think too much, but most times i feel people dont think enough.
